Sadly this is all too true. We’ve crushed the dreams of so many people by destroying our budget to fund NASA. It’s really heartbreaking.
Big Bird — if he were made of breakfast cereal and holding an American flag.
Well this is one way to entice me to eat my Cheerios and Fruit Loops.
(Photo: Patrick Semansky / AP via the New York Daily News)
Mind Your Manners, 1954
for Canadians no less! This looks gorgeous! I’ll have to keep my eyes out for an American equivalent.
There are very few things in my life that I regret thankfully. Tonight one of them has caught up with and overtaken me in a big way. That is my dead ex-friend Patrick. Let me back up and tell you how I got to this point tonight.
I just got home on Monday (Jan 23rd 2012) from a two week trip to England. What’s this have to do with him? Actually it has everything. The couple I stayed with I know through their daughter and I know her through Patrick. Way back in high school him and their daughter had a romantic online fling. That being all the rage at the time and what not. I ended up on somewhat friendly terms with her and her mum and we kept in touch over the years. I was never super close with them but always on good terms and friendly as we drifted in and out of each other’s lives over the years. So there I stood at the bus station meeting Shaz for the first time and then again a few days later meeting her daughter Sars at St. Pancreas Station in London.
I try to let go of the past I really do but for some reason I just hold onto him. He’s just this baggage I am going to carry for the rest of my life. I’m fine with this. I just felt this need to have him with me when I arrived at the airport and again when I arrived in Nottingham. I was just overcome with loneliness, a bit vacant and empty like a piece was missing from this trip. It was him and his grandiose presence. Me and Shaz got right down to admitting as such and had this sort of mutual feeling of loss and sadness throughout the visit that just hung so palpable in the air I felt I could pluck it like an apple. I will say my trip was incredible and that she was a fantastic host and meeting Sars was like a dream come true as well. They are lovely people and I hope I’ll get to visit again sometime and spend more time with them.
Now on to the baggage part of this whole equation. I am coming out of the closet here and admitting some very personal and very hidden stuff that I just can’t hide anymore. A decade is too long to hold onto this pain so I am finally airing it out. I regret never telling him how I felt about him. I regret not mending my friendship with him and at the very least apologizing for abandoning him. (My old high school friends are probably smacking their foreheads going “Duh” right about now but oh well I am that deluded I suppose).
Anyways let’s get this out of the way *swallows hard* He was my best friend and I was madly in love with him. Not in a romantic relationship sorta way but in a friendship way. I honestly think a loving friendship can be much deeper than most relationships. I gave him my very heart, my whole heart. I have never done that before nor since. I’ve never loved anyone as much before or since. I think he haunts me to this very day for that reason. I’ve never found anyone to tough me as emotionally as he did. All the fights and stupidity aside I would have laid down my life without a single question for him. (On a silly side note I think this explains some of my love for the Tochiro Harlock equation).
I think the worst part of not telling him how I felt was that he told me how he felt. I was very lucky to hear those words from him and know he meant it. There are few things as wonderful as being told how much you are loved by a good friend. It’s not like a relationship where it’s kinda forced and it’s like you need to remind them out of social obligation. A friend saying that is so much more powerful because it’s not expected and that makes it twice as lovely when you actually hear it. Why am I so afraid of saying those damned words to someone that really does mean that to me? I still struggle with it even after having learned this lesson from Patrick. I feel so stupid.
The second part… never apologizing. I may have loved him like no other but that also means he hurt me like no other. I finally just reached my limit. I’ll leave out all the details. If you’re really that interested you can always ask me to personally explain what caused my friendship to fall apart but that’s old news that I have moved on past. The part I didn’t move past was the fact that I just bailed on him. He was going through some horrid times and I just said screw it and gave up on him. Yeah, he frustrated me but honestly I could have been less selfish and just shrugged it off and stuck by him bullshit aside but I didn’t. I got over it and I thought for a long time I would look him up and make it up to him and apologize and let him know what was going on and how I felt and what brought me to do it in the first place. I never got that chance. I am going to regret that to the day I die. You see he died first before I grew the courage to tell him what I felt. He passed away in mid-2006. Shortly after the loss of Rod. I didn’t find out about this until very recently and it’s been gnawing at me ever since. I am now one of those people that says “Do it while you can, don’t regret it like I did” that you hear about from time to time on TV and in movies. Thank god I have good memories, great music, and a few nice photos to remember him by.
I love you Pat Cole I just wish I told you when you were still here, I really could use a hug from you right now. You’re still the first person I think of when I am in a dire situation and need support. You’re sorely missed and always will be my lovely boy.